Why the fight for equity may not save women.
“You act like a boy”, “You think like a man”, “You are too ambitious”, “Oyiina empaka”, “Nohakana munonga”. This and a lot more was said to me growing up. I was never the nice calm “good” girl. I was ever opposing and questioning everything I was told. I was those girls not everyone liked because I never accepted status quo, I challenged with or without reason sometimes and I was resilient and never liked seeing people feel entitled over others because they were “superior”.
Nineteen years of age and I have not changed. The most anticipated element remains unchanged as I am ambitious but I may be a little bit too ambitious for many. Why?
I have met many women and girls too who carry these same traits, my mother tops that list. I admire her because she was living proof to me as I grew up that women can achieve anything. I could do anything and I didn’t need to be different from the confident strong minded woman I am. Of course, I was a threat because of always raising my hand up first in class, confronted male teachers and students when I had a concern I never had any unease, always outing my opinion, always putting people even those older than me in their place when they wanted to step over others.
I was a threat to both girls and boys. I was too much for the girls and I overly encroached on “male” territory. I was the odd man out. For long it drenched me in thoughts on why I was not like everyone else, I could not seem to suppress the hunger to want more, to be the best and out compete everyone. I thought I was the problem. I thought I should think differently. I even tried relinquishing my own personality just so I could feel accepted by everyone. I made me feel less feminine because unlike me many of the young ladies around me were raised to think that women should know their place which is below authority, below men even when what they said was rather slow witted or even when you were much more intelligent you had to succumb to feed the insecurities.
Well we can never change what has happened. Today, I am here to encourage women and girls of any age that it’s not bad at all to want more for yourself as a woman. It is okay to want independence and to be intelligent, to stand up for what is right and to do more. It is okay to thrive. In my experience, smart and talented women rarely realize that one of the toughest hurdles they’ll have to overcome to be successful lies within. We judge our own abilities not only more harshly, but fundamentally differently, than men do. Understanding why we do it is the first step to righting a terrible wrong. And to do that, we need to take a step back in time.
The only difference is between how intelligent women and men interpret difficulty — what it meant to them when a challenge seemed hard to decipher. Intelligent women are much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence, and to become less effective learners as a result. Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: more often than not, intelligent women believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.
How do girls and boys develop these different views? Most likely, it has to do with the kinds of feedback we get from parents and teachers as young children.
Girls, who develop self-control earlier and are better able to follow instructions, are often praised for their “goodness.” When we do well in school, we are told that we are “so smart,” “so clever, “ or “ such a good student.” This kind of praise implies that traits like smartness, cleverness, and goodness are qualities you either have or you don’t.
Boys, on the other hand, are a handful. Just trying to get boys to sit still and pay attention is a real challenge for any parent or teacher. As a result, boys are given a lot more feedback that emphasizes effort (e.g., “If you would just pay attention you could learn this,” “If you would just try a little harder you could get it right.”) The net result: When learning something new is truly difficult, girls take it as sign that they aren’t “good” and “smart”, and boys take it as a sign to pay attention and try harder.
We continue to carry these beliefs, often unconsciously, around with us throughout our lives. On several occasions I hear girls say how they were just not born to be confident and out opinions how they can’t do better than they are already doing. And because bright girls are particularly likely to see their abilities as innate and unchangeable, they grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves — women who will prematurely conclude that they don’t have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.
In my opinion, even if every external disadvantage to a woman’s rising to the top of an organization is removed — every inequality of opportunity, every chauvinistic stereotype, all the challenges we face balancing work and family — we would still have to deal with the fact that through our mistaken beliefs about our abilities, we may be our own worst enemy.
How often have you found women around you or you as a woman avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach? Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at? Skills you believed you would never possess? If the list is a long one, you were probably one of the Bright Girls — and your belief that you are “stuck” being exactly as you are has done more to determine the course of your life than you probably ever imagined. Which would be fine, if your abilities were innate and unchangeable. Only they’re not.
No matter the ability — whether it’s intelligence, creativity, self-control, charm, or athleticism — studies show them to be profoundly malleable. When it comes to mastering any skill, your experience, effort, and persistence matter a lot. So if you were a Bright Girl, it’s time to toss out your (mistaken) belief about how ability works, embrace the fact that you can always improve, and reclaim the confidence to tackle any challenge that you lost so long ago.
The glass ceiling has been broken to a certain extent, but it is fair to say that sections still remain. It will disappear yet further when we start to support ambitious women instead of trying to tear them down, when we start to acknowledge that having those women in our homes and work spaces only makes it better not threatening, when you accept that no matter the differences we have ,we require strength to encourage a greater cause of ambition. Ambition for all human beings.
