Toxicity of being “Man enough.”
Being “Man Enough”. For as long as I can remember while growing up the boys around me were constantly called out for crying. Saying “Real men don’t cry”, “Boys are strong”, “Don’t be weak, you’re a man.” This has a litany to back it up. Today’s article delves into trying to be ‘man enough’ and how masculinity contributes to it.
I must congratulate the men and women here in Uganda and around the world empowering women and girls to take a stance to share their dreams and impact their communities. The mainstream movement of “Feminism” today has gas lighted this cause to make their voices heard but I must say with almost the whole world putting up all these motivations with the girl child the boy child is being neglected. In about 20 years from now, there will be yet another need for a mainstream movement to uplift the boys and men in our communities. It will turn it into a contest for whose rights need to be fought for rather than bridging the gap in the relations between men and women for every single time they acknowledge a problem about men that is neglected we are so fast to remind or tie it to women in some way.
Our specific views are rooted deeply in our own personal and direct experiences, rather than on any data, research or science surrounding the issues of gender. In other words, if we’ve personally faced discrimination or impartiality, we know beyond no doubt it exists. But if we haven’t faced it ourselves, we often doubt it happens. Just like society has shaped your perspective that men must pretend to be ‘strong’ even when they feel ‘weak’, they must pretend to be ‘confident’ when they feel ‘insecure’ and ‘tough’ when they are ‘hurting’ you as a woman may never believe that men go through a lot of emotional imbalance and turmoil. It must be exhausting trying to be ‘man enough’ for everyone every time, being told the kind of man you should be.
“As a boy, all I ever wanted was to be accepted and liked by the other boys. This acceptance meant I had to acquire this almost disgusted view of the feminine and its traits. Of course I had to embody these ‘masculine’ traits or be rejected.”
After a deep research of masculinity, I came of the view that men live in conflict. Living in conflict with the type of person you are at the core vs the man the world says you should be. I am not saying that everything you’ve learned is toxic and there is nothing inherently wrong with you neither am I saying stop being a “man”. You just need to balance. Take a real honest look at the scripts that have been passed down to you and the roles you choose to take on in your daily life.
In a recent twitter squeal, a young feminist lady came out to tell men how they care less about their own mental health and when people try to all they care about is Euros football. Of course the male community came off with the same rage and more telling her to mind her own mental health and let them be in a pejorative manner. I was as raged at first but then it came to my attention that this community you’re informing was trained to believe that “men suffer in secret”. Why do men have to feel that they’ve got to do it all on their own? I know of some boys and men in my life that rather die than tell another man they are hurting. This is not because they are ‘the strong silent’ types on the contrary men are really good at making friends and talking just not about anything real most of the time: it’s about work, sports, politics or women. About their insecurities or their struggles, fear of failure, it’s almost like they become paralyzed. Society has disconnected men from their emotions that when they experience them they have no idea what to do.
Men should create a safe space for themselves just like women. I am not comparing you to us but having a place that forces you to experience vulnerability and will let you know that the problems you face are faced by other men like you. To practice vulnerability then you must build a system of accountability. Create your own Trojan horse with something where you can create a daily practice of authenticity and vulnerability. Talk about how much you love your wife, your sister, your sister, your child, how marriage is a challenge but is beautiful, how you struggle with body dysmorphic insecurities.
I know men like challenge. They tend to challenge each other so they can be the toughest, strongest and bravest men you can be. Your identities are tied up around how “man enough” you feel at the end of the day. I challenge you to use the same traits that make you a man to go deeper into yourself, your strength, bravery, toughness to redefine what those mean and use them to explore your hearts.
Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? (Reach out to another man when you need help: to dive head first into your shame)
Are you strong enough to be sensitive? (To cry when you’re hurting or happy even if it makes you look weak)
Are you confident enough to listen to the people in your life including the women? (To hear their ideas and their solutions and actually believe them even if what they are saying is against you)
Will you be man enough to stand up to other men when you hear them talk about: sexual harassment, grabbing ass or getting her drunk, will you actually stand up and do something so that one day we don’t have to live in a world where a woman has to risk everything to say “me too” in a world where the image of good men is tied up because the men that act these atrocities are not called out before its too late?
In my view, as we fight for gender equity that’s what we have to address not to call men trash as if they chose to be raised in environments that make them value lack of emotion. I implore us to make this journey with men from their heads to their hearts. Parents raise not just brave boys and pretty girls but good humans. While most men will resent the male figures in their lives that don’t teach them “man stuff”, the problem comes from the longing to be accepted and play a role that was never meant for you. While they may not teach you to use your hands to fight, they should teach you to use your hearts instead and that will make you more of a man than anything.
