ENLIGHTENMENT ON GROWTH.

For me, growing up always seemed to be mystical place that one only got to comprehend as they faced this thing called life. I was constantly struggling to stand up for myself, to understand why I did things how I did, for example why I felt more loved when someone said it to me and it was hard for me to appreciate their actions towards that same cause or why when most people realized I was so goal oriented and seemed self aware they pulled away.

I never had an understanding of my own personality up till this week . It made me realize in the several situations when I felt and thought that I was being objective and had a good perspective on a topic, I really was not in the first place. I have grown to learn this week that how I think and the childhood I had governs how I see things and that governs how I behave. learning to value my positive and negative traits, my thoughts and beliefs, my feelings, and inspiration.

I can now proudly say I am a Choleric-Sanguine which has made me understand and find confidence and appreciation in having natural drive to quickly get results. I am goal and bottom-line oriented, and can be very persuasive in promoting my ideas and goals. I also understand why I am easily annoyed when others do not comply with my instructions or direction but it passes quickly; why I am so disturbed when people can’t think like me a trait that comes easy for my mother as well.

In being self aware I have been able to learn how to value other people’s opinions and how its okay when my peers do not think like me. I now understand that everyone is entitled to an opinion and their emotions too. It has come to my cognizance that the values each one of us hold are a culture’s standard for discerning what is good and just in society. Your values are deeply embedded in your mind and they have become critical in transmitting and discerning when presented with a problem that requires a pursuit of a solution or on how to retaliate when faced with conflict . They are tenets or convictions that you have come to hold true hold true.

When I was growing up I didn't love myself much though my mother always used to mention how sometimes I was so selfish. Self love for me was a myth. The deadly trait followed me up till recently. Being a person who values words while I was growing up most of my relatives at the time repeatedly conveyed it to me that I had a “big head.” Literally.( At the time I didn't know it was affecting me as we laughed at it when someone made it as occasional joke.) I eventually grew up with that belief and with the imposed beliefs of society that you had to look a certain way to look beautiful. I hated wearing skirts because I thought it made my head look bigger, I was so insecure a person never thinking I looked that good.

As a reflex, I always knew that I was an intelligent girl so I began to educate myself listen more to adult conversations to learn on various topics of politics , current affairs and all that. I used this gift to make my peers feel bad about themselves on how misinformed and unlearned they were in order for them to feel how I felt about my insecurities. As I matured eventually it reduced but it still affected me and the relationships I had with people, I constantly had a point to prove. It was up till last holiday that I encountered a friend that made me realize I had a serious issue and that I needed to heal.

Some of us have encountered this situation in our lives, healing. I had to heal because I was continuously seeking love from people and things that would never satisfy me. I was seeking inconsistent attention from the same demeaning patterns. I had lost touch with my spiritual life, I cared about things outside my circle of influence, things I could not control. I was persistently focusing on the doubt and anxiety that surrounded me. In my relationships I was less of the blessing I was supposed to be.

In one week, I have been given even more reason to know that I should not blame myself for the insecurities that I developed in the course of my childhood rather move on ahead in life knowing that I should never make anyone feel any less than what they are, understanding people and their different weakness and strengths is very important. I grew up feeling ugly most of the time because the people around me never knew that words affected me a lot and had a deep sentimental value to me.

The take away as we start this week is;

Being completely aware of what you’re feeling at any given time is mad important. You understand why you’re feeling a certain way, you accept it, and you decide how you want to react to that feeling. You know it’s your decision to let it overwhelm you, embrace it as a lesson, or to just let it go.

Our frailties are part and parcel of being human and are no reason not to have self-love. If you want to improve your relationship with a friend, you have to make a choice. Yes, I believe self-love is just that. You decide either you’re going to love yourself or not.

Often people are afraid to be kinder to themselves because they think that this means just giving up on themselves and accepting things the way that they are. However, this is far from the truth. Being kind to ourselves often actually involves prioritizing our long-term goals and dreams over short-term pleasure. A good way to think about it is as though you were parenting a child. Would you let that child always give in to every impulse, to skip school because they didn’t feel like going one day, to give up on their hopes and dreams because they were tired or to eat packets of biscuits and watch TV instead of doing their homework? You probably wouldn’t — because you love them — and this means wanting what is best for them long-term. In the same way, being kind to ourselves means coaching ourselves kindly and compassionately but also in a motivational way. It means thinking about what is best for us both long-term and short-term too.

Lastly, self awareness is one of the rarest human commodities. I don't mean being self conscious where you’re limiting and evaluating yourself. I mean being aware of your own patterns. It breeds something I can call wholehearted living. Engage yourself from a place of worthiness. Cultivate courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning to wake up and think, “I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of loving and a sense of belonging.”

Comrades, can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

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